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I haven't written on here in ages. Tumblr has taken my heart from blogspot, but I feel that on Tumblr, all you can do is post pictures, and not really fulfill the duties of writing a blog. My palms have been itching to type out emotions, experiences, etc, and I think it's time for me to go back and start writing. Posts will begin once more right away, and I'm very excited to just being again, even if no one reads my blog, this is my way to escape.

Confucius

I think there are a lot of things that make me happy. There are a lot of things that cause me to feel good, but then, at the back of my mind, there is always that feeling of knowing I'm alone. I have my friends, I have my family, but I don't have that relation with another person. Yes, I mean a boyfriend. I know it's stupid to write about guys, but this is one of the first times where I'll be open about it, because I don't know what to do about them anymore. They are more confusing then anything in the whole world. The know how to make you feel so wonderful, but they also make you feel more horrible then you did before. I have many guy friends, all of them are wonderful, but I could never see myself falling for them. I have the guy down the hall that matches me in style, music taste, body type, etc. He's absolutely the perfect guy, my type, he just fits well with me. Personality wise, he matches me where he's outgoing and fun, but he's also a compulsive liar. He made me feel like he wanted me, and those nights we talked and lied together on his bed made me feel it was going somewhere, especially when it got more cuddly. He said the write words to reel me in, and then, he let me go just like that. For some reason, no matter what he does, I can't let go. I've gotten to the point where I just gave up, but then, he started to try more. Or it seemed like it. See, what his roommates say, he's a liar, and he doesn't show what he feels to anyone, and doesn't talk about anything personal with anyone. Oh....he knew how to reel me in. Writing this, it brings back a lot of what he said and did. Anyways, his roommates believe that he likes me because he shows the signs of him being interested, according to them. I don't want to get my hopes up. I can tell something is going on with him too. Ashley sees it too. I don't know what he's doing. I'm more confused then ever. thought that I would get over it quickly, but I haven't been able to. I don't know what to do. He's an ass, and I don't know how to get him to tell me what's going on. I have no one to talk to, to get any information out of him about it. I'm confused more then I have ever been with a boy. I know I should let this all go, and not deal with it, but he's so similar to me, I don't want to. I like being in his apartment, because my friends live there too, but he lives there. I can't just stop going there because my friends are there, but I can't stop going there, because I like to see him. I'm confused...so confused. No, I know he does, but he can't admit it. He doesn't want to. He's a shallow ass, but he likes me, but he wants to seem cool to his friends. I think that the only way to know is to talk to him..but even then I don't know what to expect. I'm tired of this. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I'm going to stick with going over there to hang out with his roommates, and just drink our coffee's and smoke cigarettes. I don't want to let him bother me anymore. He can just do his own thing, and I'll just do my own thing. But, I know it's going to bother me. I just have to learn to deal with it. One day, I won't have to deal with these things anymore, but for now, it's learning how to become stronger when situations don't go as planned. It won't be like this forever.

Futile Devices.

Never have I once thought one small simple gesture like what my friends did would turn my whole mood around. Just that one thing helped me so much. I can't control the happiness I feel for them. They're the people I know that will always be there for me. I still feel have a lot on my mind. I don't know how to process the things that have been going on. First, the whole problem that escalated out of no where, to these changes that are starting to scare me. I don't know what to do with anything that has happened. I've turned into something I thought I never would have imagined. I'm still the same, but better. I finally stood up for myself, I finally was able to make something out of myself, and my standards are slowly slipping, and I'm becoming more open minded about people. I don't know if that last one is a good thing yet, considering I felt that nothing will change me, and college has. College is a big impact on someone's life. A lot happens in college that can make a person better or worse. My head is still on my shoulders, and I know that will never change. I have become a better person in college, and I've seen people slip already. I've seen people make poor decisions, and I've seen people get themselves so messed up, they can't get anything working right. This post will consist of two different things. So many things have happened since school has started. I feel like I've been on my own for years. I miss my home, being back for that weekend felt good. I couldn't ask for anything more to see my family again, but this is my family too. The people I've met have impacted me greatly. Since the whole fiasco of what happened this week, I learned who my friends were, and who wasn't.

I learned I have six wonderful people in my life that care about me more then anyone else. These six people will always be there for me no matter what happens, and they care for me. I've never had anyone like that. Six seems like an obscure number, but to me, that's more then enough. Two of them have made the biggest impact on me the most. My best friend, my suite-mate, my sister. She's always going to be there for me...always. She has held me when I've cried for hours. She's sat up with me and has been there for me when I've just needed to get away. She's a chola from Santa Ana, but she's the sweetest, most caring person I have ever met. She has been so misunderstood because she doesn't want to get wrapped up in anything, and I envy her for letting things go. She will be my friend that I will have forever. She will go with me, and travel with me through the chapters of my life, and she will be there when I need her, and I'll be there when she needs me. We balance each other out. Opposites attract, I suppose. The second person is that person that I didn't think would ever be someone I would get along with. Again, opposites attract. We have gone through our problems, and have gone through different emotions. Feelings have been played with and have been seen by other people, but they have no idea how much I need them. I can't go a day without talking to them. Not seeing them for a day is odd to me. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. He knows most of my secrets and problems. I can confide in him, and I think that's what makes me so attached. I've never had anyone besides my family to care for me the way these two do. Maybe they don't think so. Maybe it's a one way thing, but to me, they have held me together when I needed it the most. My life felt like it was so complicate when this week got hard, but I know now, that shouldn't be my concern. My concern is going to school, getting an education, going to work, focusing on Berkeley, and being a good person. I couldn't focus on that when my thoughts were concerned about other things. Now that, that is over, my priorities are straight. I don't need anything more then that. I have goals, and these goals need to be reached, and the way I was heading at first, wasn't good, now I understand what needs to be different. I've never felt as happy as I do now. I was so concerned on stupid, idiotic things, and now, I don't need to deal with that anymore. Everything is done and over with, and I could never be happier. Once one more change happens, I will be the happiest person in the whole world. I feel happy. I feel better. I have the things that have settled my mind, and I don't need anything more. I'm truly happy.

And I have my robot, Alex.

Thoughts that flourish from nothing.

I'm afraid of the feelings that I feel. I'm afraid of the ideas that have sufficed in my head. I wish the world would stop and listen to me. I wish I would be able to express what I feel better. I wish I weren't alone. What will happen when I finally know what to say? When I know what to say, it will be too late. I don't want to live with these tormenting thoughts anymore. I want to be able to establish my own life without worrying what other people think. I understand now, that's my problem. I can't let this dictate me anymore. I have a problem. I give off an aurora, that allows certain people to take advantage of me. The people who I want to let in the most know they can play with my emotions when I'm most vulnerable. I don't let people in very often, for this very reason. It has gotten to the point where I'm going to give up. When they can't get what they want from me, they dispose of me like a piece of trash. When I strive for them, that connection, they let me go. I can't do this anymore. I can't let my emotions get played like this anymore. I'm drained. I sit still, and wait for weeks for that reply, that mutual feeling I feel towards them back, and I get nothing in return. When it comes down to it, it's because I over think things. I tell myself things to make myself feel better. I let them take advantage of me emotionally, and when they don't get the things they want physically, they ignore me. I suppose this could be karma with the fact that I play guys. As people say, "Karma's a bitch." A lot of the time when I do things, it's by accident. I suppose it can go the same for them.

I want to understand what goes on in their minds when they say the things they do. I want to understand what they're thinking. I'm sitting here, with this wonderful view overlooking the bay, and I'm just thinking, why can't the world be as simple as this view. Why can't life be this simple. I want all of these ideas to fade away. I want my head to be clear. I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts anymore. Why can't I go away. Why can't I sit here in silence and solitude forever. Why do all these things matter? Why should anything matter? Life would be so much easier without the opposite sex. Life would be so much easier without emotions. I want to feel numb. I don't want to have to deal with things anymore. I want to be okay with how the world is. I want to be okay with how my life is. I'm tired of thinking. I used to adore the time spent alone, but in that time alone, I put ideas in my head that play with my own emotions. In the end, it isn't the person I open myself up to that messes me up, it's my own self. Everything is my fault. Every thought that was planted into my own head isn't from anyone else but me. When left with my own thoughts,things grow into things I only wish were true. These useless ideas are what fucks me over. I don't like using vulgar words in my writing, but it's come to the point where this subject just pisses me off. I don't want to deal with it anymore. There comes a point where you just need to give up. This, I wish were possible for me, but for some reason, I can't let this go. I can't stop dwelling on this subject. I want to let everything go. I'm sitting here, hoping for the same thing I've been hoping for since I came to school, and that isn't ever going to happen. I'm sitting waiting for that one feeling....that idea to help me feel better. What I've been thinking about, wishing, hoping for. I wish that I could stop. I wish that I wouldn't have to feel the way I do. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get this feeling off my chest. I don't know what to do to help me get rid of it. I don't know what would happen if I did. The way I see it, is that there is a reason why we meet the people we do. The reasons as to why we meet them, I don't know, but they build us to who we are. Everyone I have met has played a toll onto making feel more self conscious then I already am. Everyone I have met has made me feel more alone than I already am. I don't understand why it comes to this point. I want to change this. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I don't want to feel like I don't matter to anyone anymore. I let people take advantage of me. I let them play with my emotions.I'm vulnerable, and people can see that. No one knows how I truly feel, or what's going on in my head. No one knows that thoughts that manifest into something so great, I get consumed by them. No one knows the feeling how much I strive to be alone. How much I wish everything but my music and I fades away into nothingness. Instead of keeping everything in, maybe it is time to open myself up.Maybe it would help me feel better about myself. I don't know. I don't understand what is happening right now. Till I know what's going with me, will I be able to tell other people? I think it's just a yearning for something different, or that place in my head that I go to when I'm sad. Or that place off the 13. That little tattoo place, or that street down Berkeley. I want to be there, and I never want to leave. Two years, and I'll be there, and then, I think I'll finally be happy with what I have...or maybe, the grass isn't greener on the other side.


I'm too indecisive.

The only thing I know is that, I have too many thoughts, too many ideas, and I want to tell someone who will be willing to listen to me, but I don't know how to approach anyone about this.

Green Calx

No matter what I do, I feel that I'll never succeed or get the things I want. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could tell the future? We could learn how to change things, we could learn what we need to do differently. It is only a matter of time till all of this stops. I don't want to be stuck in this position. My heart feels odd. It's between sadness and joy. I can't do this. I can't be that person that destroys something that has been built up so long ago. I need him to understand that. I'm not that person he thinks I'm going to be. I don't want to do that. I feel ashamed. I don't feel right. Shall I avoid?? I think it is probably the best idea. Should I listen to what other people are saying? Should I listen to my friends?? I don't know what I should do. I think I should listen to what I feel. I'm tired. I'm drained. Fuck, this is shitty.

All I'm going to say is, I can't.