I'm afraid of the feelings that I feel. I'm afraid of the ideas that have sufficed in my head. I wish the world would stop and listen to me. I wish I would be able to express what I feel better. I wish I weren't alone. What will happen when I finally know what to say? When I know what to say, it will be too late. I don't want to live with these tormenting thoughts anymore. I want to be able to establish my own life without worrying what other people think. I understand now, that's my problem. I can't let this dictate me anymore. I have a problem. I give off an aurora, that allows certain people to take advantage of me. The people who I want to let in the most know they can play with my emotions when I'm most vulnerable. I don't let people in very often, for this very reason. It has gotten to the point where I'm going to give up. When they can't get what they want from me, they dispose of me like a piece of trash. When I strive for them, that connection, they let me go. I can't do this anymore. I can't let my emotions get played like this anymore. I'm drained. I sit still, and wait for weeks for that reply, that mutual feeling I feel towards them back, and I get nothing in return. When it comes down to it, it's because I over think things. I tell myself things to make myself feel better. I let them take advantage of me emotionally, and when they don't get the things they want physically, they ignore me. I suppose this could be karma with the fact that I play guys. As people say, "Karma's a bitch." A lot of the time when I do things, it's by accident. I suppose it can go the same for them.
I want to understand what goes on in their minds when they say the things they do. I want to understand what they're thinking. I'm sitting here, with this wonderful view overlooking the bay, and I'm just thinking, why can't the world be as simple as this view. Why can't life be this simple. I want all of these ideas to fade away. I want my head to be clear. I don't want to have to deal with these thoughts anymore. Why can't I go away. Why can't I sit here in silence and solitude forever. Why do all these things matter? Why should anything matter? Life would be so much easier without the opposite sex. Life would be so much easier without emotions. I want to feel numb. I don't want to have to deal with things anymore. I want to be okay with how the world is. I want to be okay with how my life is. I'm tired of thinking. I used to adore the time spent alone, but in that time alone, I put ideas in my head that play with my own emotions. In the end, it isn't the person I open myself up to that messes me up, it's my own self. Everything is my fault. Every thought that was planted into my own head isn't from anyone else but me. When left with my own thoughts,things grow into things I only wish were true. These useless ideas are what fucks me over. I don't like using vulgar words in my writing, but it's come to the point where this subject just pisses me off. I don't want to deal with it anymore. There comes a point where you just need to give up. This, I wish were possible for me, but for some reason, I can't let this go. I can't stop dwelling on this subject. I want to let everything go. I'm sitting here, hoping for the same thing I've been hoping for since I came to school, and that isn't ever going to happen. I'm sitting waiting for that one feeling....that idea to help me feel better. What I've been thinking about, wishing, hoping for. I wish that I could stop. I wish that I wouldn't have to feel the way I do. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get this feeling off my chest. I don't know what to do to help me get rid of it. I don't know what would happen if I did. The way I see it, is that there is a reason why we meet the people we do. The reasons as to why we meet them, I don't know, but they build us to who we are. Everyone I have met has played a toll onto making feel more self conscious then I already am. Everyone I have met has made me feel more alone than I already am. I don't understand why it comes to this point. I want to change this. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I don't want to feel like I don't matter to anyone anymore. I let people take advantage of me. I let them play with my emotions.I'm vulnerable, and people can see that. No one knows how I truly feel, or what's going on in my head. No one knows that thoughts that manifest into something so great, I get consumed by them. No one knows the feeling how much I strive to be alone. How much I wish everything but my music and I fades away into nothingness. Instead of keeping everything in, maybe it is time to open myself up.Maybe it would help me feel better about myself. I don't know. I don't understand what is happening right now. Till I know what's going with me, will I be able to tell other people? I think it's just a yearning for something different, or that place in my head that I go to when I'm sad. Or that place off the 13. That little tattoo place, or that street down Berkeley. I want to be there, and I never want to leave. Two years, and I'll be there, and then, I think I'll finally be happy with what I have...or maybe, the grass isn't greener on the other side.
I'm too indecisive.
The only thing I know is that, I have too many thoughts, too many ideas, and I want to tell someone who will be willing to listen to me, but I don't know how to approach anyone about this.
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